Crying on a Budget
Crying on a Budget
Written by Aurianne Desombre
Weeping is an everyday part of post-grad life, but between the brand-name ice cream and late night online shopping binges, it can get expensive. Lucky for you, I’ve scoured the best that the discount aisles at CVS have to offer to bring you our favorite tricks for how to keep the cost of your crying down to a minimum. Next time you settle into your monthly, weekly, or daily cry, try out these tips to cut down that cost!
1. Plan Ahead
It’s tempting to tell yourself that this cry is the last cry, and tomorrow will somehow be tear-free. But we all know this is not the case. And going out to treat yourself every (let’s face it) hour after a cry gets pricey. Use one of your rare level-headed moments to buy candy in bulk. That way, you’ll avoid the temptation that comes with shopping while crying, and never spend $256.73 on frozen pizza again.
2. Ask your last Tinder date to move in together
This one is self-explanatory. You can address the deep-set loneliness that hasn’t quite gone away since Ben from undergrad broke up with you, and save on rent! Double win!
3. Get a dog
It can’t be as expensive as everyone says it is, right?
4. Go to bed
You can’t spend anything in your sleep! You also can’t think about the endless despair you’re trapped in now that Ben from undergrad has left you in his dust and your parents are thinking about not paying your rent anymore to give you the “push you need to succeed in the real world” even though there’s no way you’ll ever succeed out there because no one will give you a job interview.
5. Don’t cry and drive
You may think you can handle your tears, but it’s just not safe. And let’s face it, even the cutest among us can’t flirt our way out of a ticket if we’re in the middle of an ugly cry. It’s sure to lead to a ticket, and then all the money you saved planning ahead just goes down the drain.
6. Resist the urge to pay for Tinder Plus
While you’re weeping over Ben from undergrad’s new instagram pic with @hotterthanu243, it might seem like a good idea to splurge on Tinder Plus. Normal Tinder might not be giving you anything but dick pics, but at least they’re free dick pics -- imagine how stupid you’ll feel when you pay $29.99 a month for them. Invest in OK Cupid instead. It’s more expensive, so it has to be better, right? At least that way you can show people you have one when they assume you’re still in love with Ben from undergrad. Which you’re not.
7. Get back into Farmville
When you’re feeling down, or as I like to call it, the post-grad neutral state, it’s important to give yourself something to look forward to. And what’s more exciting than the constant waiting for your strawberries to be ready to harvest? Plus, you can show all the sorority girls from college who’s winning now by sending them notifications to join you. All this for the low, low cost of all the personal information on your Facebook!
Now that you’re equipped with these handy tips, feel free (get it) to go forth and cry like never before. You’re welcome!